I’m not sure exactly when I stopped believing in god. I mean, it wasn’t like I just woke up one day and decided to stop. I’m sure it was around the time my mom died. I went through a period of questioning why god would allow this to happen, why he couldn’t help her–you know, the typical responses. I struggled because where it seemed like my siblings were growing closer to god, I was stuck in my grief, questioning everything and only coming up blank.
I had struggled for a while before my mom died with religious teachings and people who claimed to be Christians, but spewed out hate for anyone and everyone who didn’t believe the same as they did. I thought that the entire point of Jesus was to spread the love, kindness, and forgiveness that he had shown his followers. But more times than not, I saw Christians using their Bible as a means of lifting themselves up and putting other people down. The Christians I had been around didn’t show love or compassion, let alone ever see the wrong they had done.
I recently had a conversation with someone in my life that made me think about religion and where I stand with it. It was a phone call that I never expected, but it showed me the type of person she is.
This is going to be sort of awkward…
I was scared at first, but before I knew it, she launched into how she felt the need to apologize to me for something from years ago. I won’t dive too deep into what she was apologizing for; some things don’t have to be on the internet. But she told me she knew it was wrong and she knew that it hurt me.
I just want you to know, that’s not who I am anymore.
She said that her relationship with god had changed her. That she needed to tell me she was sorry because it had been on her mind.
Now, reader, it should be known that I was never mad at her about what transpired. In reality, I had to deep dive into my memories to remember when and what had happened. It was just a moment, just a small thing, but she called me to apologize for it.
Now I won’t lie and say that it had me rethinking my views on god. But it did give me a respect for her and her relationship with religion. I mean it isn’t very often that you meet people who apologize for things, least of all something that happened years ago.
The world needs fewer people who call themselves Christians, but don’t hold themselves to the same standards they hold everyone else and more people who can recognize when they’re wrong, ask for forgiveness, and move on with the intent to change their behavior in the future.
Such a seemingly small conversation has had me befuddled for days now. Most of the people in my life growing up never apologized when they did something wrong. Blame was shifted to anyone or anything else. Along the way, I learned to do the same thing, but I’ve tried to correct that behavior in the past 5 or 6 years. I think there is great power in allowing yourself to see that you’re wrong and doing what you can to find forgiveness from the people you’ve hurt.
I’m glad she believes. I’m glad she feels a calling over her life to show love to people. Perhaps a seed was planted? Maybe not the mustard kind. Maybe it was just plain old admiration. Either way, I’m glad she called.
A.B. Lee Writes 